


Ifurita Amuck

by KB9VCN



Category: El Hazard: The Magnificent World, El Hazard: The Wanderers
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-30
Updated: 2002-04-30
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written April 2002; humor; about 1400 words.
See also Duck Amuck; see also Doctor Who.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written April 2002; humor; about 1400 words.
> 
> See also [_Duck Amuck_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duck_Amuck); see also [_Doctor Who_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Who).

**THE END**

—

[Uh... Ifurita?]

Ifurita smiled cheerfully. "Yes, sir?"

[Why are you holding the 'THE END' sign?]

"You told me to hold it up at the end of the story."

[I meant the back end, not the front end... Never mind. Just stop holding the sign up now, OK?]

"Oh. 'Kay." Ifurita dropped the sign, and it fell away and disappeared below her. She had been flying as she held it.

[No! Wait! We still need that sign... Oh well. Maybe not. This probably won't have a definite ending. These out-of-context things usually just kinda wander along for awhile, until they... Ifurita? Oi, Ifurita!]

Ifurita had curled up and fallen asleep, still floating in the air.

[IFURITA!!]

Ifurita jumped, almost dropping her key-staff, and looked from side to side, until she remembered where she was. "Huh? Who? What? Where?... Oh. Sorry, sir."

[Didn't you get enough sleep last night?]

"I stayed up really really late last night, learning my line. Almost 'til ten o'clock."

[You learned your line? Good girl! Can you say it for me?]

Ifurita stood at attention, still in mid-air, held her hands behind her back, and rolled her eyes up as she tried to recite her line. "Um... you crabby slob... um... what sits in the lotion... um... of some worm I met..."

[Hold it, hold it! *sigh* We'd better have a rehearsal first. Do you have your copy of the script?]

Ifurita hung her head. "No, sir. Master Jinnai took it from me. He said he wanted to read it, and he never gave it back..."

[That's alright, dear. I can give you your line. Get ready to write this down, OK?]

Eager to please, Ifurita pulled out her tiny notepad and her pencil. "Ready!"

[Thou craggy knob...]

"Thou craggy knob..." Ifurita repeated as she wrote.

[...that swims upon...]

"...that swims upon..."

[...the oceans of the firmament...]

"...the oceans of the firm... a... ment..."

[...receive this weary penitent!]

"...receive this weary pen... i... tent..."

[Did you get all that?]

"...did you get all that..."

[No! That's the end of the line!]

"...no... that's the end... of the line... gosh, this is longer than I remembered..."

[IFURITA! STOP WRITING!!]

Ifurita looked up, then giggled. "Oh. Hee hee. Sorry, sir."

[Ngh... OK, let's set up the scene. You're exhausted, barely able to fly straight... that part should be easy... and you land on the side of the mountain, and you're grateful to be alive... and then you say your line. Got it?]

Ifurita grinned. "Understood!"

[Then let's... uh... huh. Ifurita?]

"Yes, sir?"

[Where's the mountain?]

Ifurita bit her lip.

[You... blew up the mountain again... didn't you...]

Ifurita's eyes went all sad and shiny. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I was just so happy to get a part in a fan fiction, an' I got excited, an' I was holding my key-staff backwards again, an'... an'..."

[Oh... it's alright. C'mon, don't cry, sweetie. That's better. But... what are we going to do now? We can't do the story if we don't have a mountain...]

Silence.

Then Ifurita smiled. "Oh! I know what we can do!"

[Uh... you do?]

"Yeah! You know that other El-Hazard fan fiction that you wrote? The really pretentious sad one that you never gave a title?"

[Uh... yeah...]

"The last scene in that story was on a mountain! We can just use that one!" And Ifurita took off flying.

[Hey! Wait a minute! You can't just...]

—

And the sun rose.

"Good morning, Ifurita."

"Good morning. My love. Eh? WHOAH!!"

Makoto and OVA-Ifurita clutched at each other in terror, as the mountain they were sitting on began to move. Then a mighty voice cried out from the heavens. [IFURITA!! YOU PUT THAT MOUNTAIN DOWN RIGHT NOW!!]

They yelped as the mountain suddenly dropped back into place.

Makoto jumped up. "What the blankety-blank's going on!?"

The mighty voice answered him. [Sorry about that. We were working on another fan fiction, and we hit a snag during rehearsals, and she... uh... got away from me...]

Makoto and OVA-Ifurita turned around, and saw TV-Ifurita, standing at a chalkboard, writing "I will not take things from other fan fiction without asking" twenty times.

OVA-Ifurita sighed. "Oh no. Not HER again..."

TV-Ifurita pushed her chalk wrong, and it squeaked.

Makoto winced and shuddered. "That's IT!! I can't work with these people any more! I'll be in my trailer, calling my agent!" And he stomped off.

OVA-Ifurita frowned, narrowed one eye, crossed her arms, tapped her foot, and looked up at the sky. "Alright, mister. You got some 'splainin' to do."

[But I just...]

"That's not what I meant!" she snapped. "I thought *I* was your favorite El-Hazard character. Maybe even your favorite anime character of all. And now you're doing an EH fan fiction with someone else?"

[But I...]

"And HER, of all characters! You know how I feel about her!"

[But...]

"And she's just a teenager! Isn't she awfully young for—"

[Oh, come on! Everyone knows you're both thousands of years old! That is, uh...]

OVA-Ifurita looked angry enough to nuke a city. "You picked the wrong time to make fun of my age, buster." And she turned and stomped away, presumably to her own trailer.

[Oh boy. Looks like I'll be writing 'Doctor Who' fan fiction for awhile.]

TV-Ifurita walked up, trying to brush chalk dust from her dark jacket. "Sir? I'm all done now..."

[Oh, Ifurita. Sometimes I think you really are evil...]

Ifurita smiled cheerfully. "But I am! I AM evil! Really really nice and evil!"

[Uh huh.]

"Look! I'll prove it!" Ifurita pulled a face, and made a growling sound that was pathetically cute. "Grrrrrrr... See? That was evil! Just like Master Jinnai!"

"Did someone say my name? Ha! Ha ha! Ha!"

[* _sigh_ * Oh no. Not HIM again...]

Jinnai appeared, clutching the script for "Thou Craggy Knob" in his hand. "Indeed! It is I, Lord Master Jinnai!! And you've fallen for my cunning plan!"

[Hang on a minute... YOUR cunning plan?]

"Ha! Ha ha! Yes! When my little demon doll came home with this script yesterday, I welcomed the opportunity to deploy Ifurita's greatest weapon!"

[* _gasp_ * You don't mean...]

"Ha! Ha ha! Yes! Her bungling incompetence! Not even I can withstand its terrible power! But now your fan fiction lies in ruins, and I shall take over! Ifurita!!"

Ifurita snapped to attention. "Sir yes sir!"

"Blast this idiot author to kingdom come! Ha! Ha ha! Ha!"

Ifurita sighed. "Gotta do it. Um, sir? I have to kill you now, so, like, look out, 'kay? 'Kay. Here we go..."

"You stupid girl!" Jinnai yelled. "You're holding your key-staff backwards AGAIN!! Can't you do anything right!?"

Ifurita looked at it, and giggled. "Whoops, hang on..." She swung it around, and accidentally whacked Jinnai in the face.

"Ouch! Be careful! Hold your key-staff lower!"

"Oh, Master Jinnai! I'm sorry!" Ifurita turned towards him, still holding it out, and whacked him in the stomach.

"Oof!! Fer cryin' out loud! I said, lower your key-staff!!"

"Like this?" Ifurita asked, and swung it around again. And she whacked Jinnai... in a personal private place.

Jinnai froze. He fell to his knees, dropping the script. Then he fell on all fours.

And then, he squeaked out a few words. "Ifurita. You're. Fired."

"Master Jinnai! Don't say that! Please! Give me another—"

"Nope. Fired. Go away. Please. Go away."

Slowly, weakly, painfully, Jinnai crawled away.

Ifurita stood motionless, as the wind picked up the pages of the script and scattered them about. Then she sniffled a few times. And then, she bawled her eyes out.

[Aw, MAN... Why do people cry so much in my fan fiction? Ifurita, please don't cry...]

—

[Feel better now?]

"Yeah... * _sniff_ * But what'm I gonna do? Master Jinnai fired me!"

[Oh, don't worry about that. Tell you what...]

Some money appeared in Ifurita's hand.

[Why don't you go see a movie. My treat. And you can have tea and cookies with Deva when you get home. And I'll bet Jinnai will have forgotten all about it by then. If he ever learned anything, he would have gone into some other line of work by now.]

"Gee, thanks!" Ifurita said. "Y'know, I think I had fun today, after all. Do you think we could try to do another fan fiction together sometime?"

[Uh... er... um... I'll get back to you. Run along now.]

"'Kay. Thanks again! Bye!" And Ifurita flew away.

[Whew. She's gone...]

[Well. Now what?]

—

The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS, and looked in astonishment at the smoking ruins of the fan fiction that lay around him...


End file.
